Saturday, April 18, 2015

April 17th, 2015

New York City and Brooklyn: noticed the trees budding and starting to put forth leaves and flower buds. There was a nice rain last night, and it's been warm for a week or two in a row. I assume that is what did it.

Just keeping track of this for my own interest, getting a feel for when things begin to grow again after winter.

Also it's beautiful and makes me happy to look at. Spring. Real spring. Hopefully we don't get any frosts like has been happening in Iowa, where it's warm for a few weeks, the trees start to bud and bloom, and then we get a frost that kills everything. I'm pretty sure that's a new development due to climate change.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

April 5th, 2015

Things are difficult, but I feel stronger and better able to handle them than I ever have before. I am weary. The air smells delicious. Cools spring breezes, clean sunlight and cloud mist.

I haven't backed down yet, and I don't plan to. But I can only decide that each moment of each day.

I am striving to make my words, thoughts and actions unified. That is to say, to speak the truth, practice what I preach, and act on what I feel to be right.

On the subject of being truthful, I like this quote:
"We can't always oblige, but we can always speak obligingly."

I'm now caught up on all the posts I wrote and scheduled, so there may be another interim of no posts, depending on inspiration, energy, and time. My school is getting close to graduation, and the most intense and time-consuming project of the whole two year school. So, now ya know why, if there aren't any other posts for a bit.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A little song of my heart set to the setting sun

[archival note: written march 22nd 2015]

automatic writing- go!

OK so this is not actually automatic writing. I don't have a desire to go that fast, I'm OK pausing as long as it's not to try and left brain think my way out of of something. But I realize I spend a lot of time doing what other people think I should do. And I spend a lot of time listening to other people, like on ted talks, talk about what is important and how to achieve it and what they're interested in.

More and more these days I get glimpses of, or rather feelings, of clarity. Like I know what I want, and what I'm feeling, and all I have to do is sit down and ask, look, and I will find.

So lets do that, right now Hermit. what is important to you, what is your view of life the universe and everything? What do you want, not because anyone else thinks its a good idea but because your soul wants it? Because your experience, right now, despite the fact that may change in a moment, but right now, says it is the truth.

The truth is
A) very simple
B) the truth is that beauty and reality matter to me. Beauty. Watching the sunset. That is a good thing. That is a significant thing. It matters. Watching the golden orange light of the sun on the tree branches and the strippled shadows cast by the tree branches. The moving of the branches by the wind, the sound of the wind. These things matter.

I also feel fear. I feel fear of my impending projects. My ancestor project. there will be no judging or grading. but I am worried I will get up there and feel that I didn't prepare enough and thus didn't give the audience a good journey. Which ... would be a loss. I have an opportunity to do that, to do something moving. I don't know if I can accomplish that, while taking care of all the other things I should realistically be taking care of. How important is that, really?

Hm, well I care about it, it is meaningful to me. I want to give a good gift. But the fear. The fear seems pointless. And in fact, a little stifling. Like the fear of people overhearing me practicing and thinking what I'm doing is silly, or annoying. I guess annoying is valid... but only if I'm actually invading personal space... like it's late at night or it's preventing focus... and most of the time it's not, and hopefully they will tell me if it is.

I cannot, however, get rid of the fear by telling it it's stupid. But I can see through it as clearly as possible in terms of its use... is it useful? Does it help me do a better job? It might make me strive to do my best.. that would be a positive. But it also makes me close down. That element is not conductive to an enjoyable life.

OK, I want to get back to larger vistas.

I keep hearing the world ask me what I want to do, what I'm planning to do, in the future. Well, mainly my girlfriend who wants me to move back where she is.

But right now, my sense of honesty says I don't want to think about the future that way. It doesn't interest me.  I want to live fully alive in the moment. Until I can do that with greater regularity, any plans for the future are deeply flawed and will end up being wrong, because, eventually, when I do start living in the now, I will then and only then know what I really love, because it will be what I'm moving towards, right now.  And resting in that present moment is extremely comfortable. It removes me from the fear, halfway, because I can, don't have too, but I can, trust the present moment and my understanding of it, to guide me well. And secondly because it leaves me free to experience the emotion of fear fully, unbiased, un-attacking, un-manipulating, and that allows it to be loved. Hard to explain that well. Loved into release, and thus non existence. Loved into changing, releasing its hold and disappearing like a spirit, a ghost freed of its earthly shackles. Love maybe not as you traditionally think of it, but love that is simply non-judgmental awareness. Yes, I guess it's a little mothering, but it is almost neutral in other ways. But fundamentally, giving something non-judgmental attention feels, is, love.

So, my future is: I don't know. I don't care. That is frustrating to other people but not to me, and the only reason I care about what other people think is.. ah, one of my biggest blocks: I don't want to hurt others. I don't want to make them uncomfortable, sad, angry, disappointed. I don't want to hurt them.

I have been told what the correct response to that is, but what do I actually think the correct response is? My own answer?  My own answer is I care deeply about others. I want to be kind to them. In any way I can. But only within my sense of universal truth... how to describe it well. It is.. a warm beam of light. I am within it, or I am not. When I am within it, all feels fundamentally at peace. Things are sad sometimes, things are frightening. but I know I am in the light of.. of the divine, truly. Of the universal ... rightness. That which is the way man was meant to live. Divine law, which is absolute and absolutely love. So, that is to say, I want to be extremely utterly massively kind to others, all others. But only within the parameters of that mote of light. Stepping outside that mote, I can do things that I think would be kind actions, butt there is a fundamental sense of betrayal to my truth. I can do it, I often do it, but only because I don't trust my own sense of the boundaries of that mote of light. But even then, I do know where the boundaries are. It's just I've momentarily distrusted them.

So really, it's just a matter of allowing my impulse of kindness to dictate my actions, except when it goes outside the bounds of divine law as I know it in my heart. Which is not universal, by the way, it's my own conscience, telling my own level of growth what is appropriate or not.

My life then becomes very very simple: sometimes I know what feels right. Actually, often. Maybe always. So, I can pause and follow it, or not. It is that simple. The reason for not following it is when it feels vague, or unclear. But I can still choose my best guess. Or rather, better put, what feels right, even if it's an uncertain thing.

Sometimes it's complicated by... me... what is it that happens? I switch into a... kind of ... thinking. I wish for guidance so hard that I start making it up. I wish for clarity so hard that I give myself clarity all right, but it's an artificial clarity. It's a doll that I've constructed because I was lonely and there were no people around. It feels fake and it doesn't give me what a real thing would give me. That is a thing that happens sometimes.

My thinking feels very clear right now. These things I'm saying are true things for me. they are how I think and feel, right now. Truly me, as much as there is a me. My feelings, my wants, my thoughts. Not other people's.

It is a good place to be.

I type this while staring out my window at the trees and sunset, because why look at a computer's screen unless you have to. More editing later I suppose. But it lets my mind be more in tune with the present moment. It lets me dwell on the beauty that is truly important to me.

I think that is all for now.

Much love to the infinite overflowing present moment, filled  with beauty and mystery. Full and safe. Without thoughts right now, everything is complete. Totally complete. I need nothing more. I don't need to travel or grow anywhere to be complete. This is totally enough, this truth right now. This being truthful with myself. It is good. I know what I know, and I don't know what I don't know. And the knowing is... like a song. It flows and is ever changing like the wind. Like the whole world. And it's alive. And it can't be contained, frozen. Just as if you kill something to keep it from changing any more, it is not the living thing it was. It is a corpse, not really a person or animal or tree or whatever, any more.

I could keep singing, but there aren't any more words, or they are at least slowing down, and I feel it is wrapping up now.

as I said, good bye, good day, for now. Live your life with love.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

What would be a personal journal entry, but done as a blog post

Day written: March 22 2015

I was told/suggested to write when I felt frustrated. And I think that applies to other difficult emotions. So; writing.

This feeling is fear. I am scared. I am cold. I should put on a sweatshirt. [pause for sweatshirt] ok I'm not so cold now but you know what? I still feel nervous and it makes me want to not write but get on with the stuff I need to do today. which is probably ok. I not only feel scared about not doing a good job on my various projects, but I also would rather be doing the things I'm not doing by writing.

I like to have a nice morning routine where I do some yoga and have a good long meditation and prayer. But if i start that too late it gets shortened because I get hungry and I don't want to have lunch too close to breakfast. So I'm going to do that now, I guess. It's a bit late because I got distracted by cleaning. Cleaning is wonderful. I love to clean my room when I've been feeling ineffective. It's something I can do that has a tangible, enjoyable result, right away. I'm better off, obviously, for doing it, and the only one who cares is me, so I'm not worried about being judged for not doing a good enough job. I'm happy for whatever cleaning can come my way.

I am really curious about what's going to happen to me job wise when I graduate. I've been itching to start working. I suppose because I feel like I can do it now. I'm armed with the knowledge that there are jobs I will like, and that I am totally capable of doing a good job and being responsible.  So, I'm not afraid of giving myself a bad name, being a lazy worker, and I'm not afraid of quitting and looking elsewhere, if the job sucks. And I'm not afraid of committing for, say, three or four months, to see how it is. So it's an exciting thing, not a bad thing, now.

Also, it's exciting because that is one big thing which I am super hard on myself for, feeling kind of low because I'm not supporting myself. Makes me feel... childish I guess. Once I go and get a job and start making money, I can imagine myself being proud as punch about it, and even more important, I can imagine myself doing an almost identical thing to when I go my first girlfriend, which was realize, 'oh, wow, this isn't such a big deal after all. It doesn't fix my life, it's not this huge epic life changing event, it's just a thing. I can take it or leave it. I am fundamentally the same person and life experience with or without it.' Which was a huge realization and no matter how I tried to convince myself of it before having a relationship, there was always this nagging doubt that wouldn't let it go. but it let it go almost immediately upon finally getting it.

And, surprisingly, in a way it actually was everything I had wanted it to be but assumed it couldn't be. It did fulfill me deeply in some ways, it did make life better. I was less lonely. I guess that sounds like a contradiction but it was actually two sides of the same coin. The fulfilment it gave me was the fulfilment of, 'ah, that desire is fulfilled, now I can let it go.' And the way it made my life better was, 'ah, this really does make my life better, but experiencing that better, I see it is still somewhat surface level, and I realize my life with be fine even if I don't have it. And I realize that my fundamental satisfaction with life doesn't, can't come from that external. Probably can't come from any external.

With work, it's not a matter of being less alone, or being more joyful in life. It's really a matter of feeling competent. My self confidence. And feeling worthwhile like I'm creating value rather than consuming value. And perhaps most important, that I have overcome my great challenge of discipline and being a hard worker at my right work. I am curious how holding down a job will feel, but I suspect and hope it will be similar in its effect to finally getting a girlfriend. Which was revelatory and wrapped up a whole bunch of issues I'd been struggling with fruitlessly for a while. And then it was amazingly quickly that I found a woman who I worked really well with.

ooookkkkkk, that was definitely longer than I intended. but not too too long.

goodbye, good night. good morning.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

a good day and an update, part 4

Today is a good day. I can see far enough that I see where I've come from, I see the progress I've made, how I've changed. And I see enough of the path ahead to know, yes, I can do this.

It's still tricky. Frankly, scary, at times. And often quite unpleasant. Things are not all flowers and bunny kisses. I've just come out of some pretty dark stuff that I've been fighting through. And there's plenty more up ahead. No easy sailing yet.

But hope. Finally. Trust. Belief. The changes that need to happen to be the person who creates the life I want to create; I can make those changes.

Though to say "Make those changes" is kind of horrible to say, since the process is so opposite to everything that phrase connotes. It sounds like your just muscling through, imposing your will, shoving things around. Where it's utterly different. It's...courageous awareness. It's patience, it's a soft touch and letting go and trusting. Its a deep part of me that moves like a whale beneath the waves, barely visible as a slightly darker smudge, but massive, more me that the part of me I normally think of as who I am. And how it moves is like a whole different nervous system. Like I suddenly discovered I had a tail and had to figure out how to get it to move, and its still a little alien to me. it does what I want, usually, but if I start worrying about how the hello I'm maneging to do it I start messing it up.

I think that will do for specifics. This covers a pretty wide time period. I could wait months before posting again. Heck, It's been months since I've posted last time. Even to my most recent blog.

But to sum up, there's just been a lot of transformation. Big stuff. Stuff I've been waiting to see progress on for years. Stuff that has shown so little progress, despite me throwing myself against it over and over, that I have worried whether it was even possible for me to overcome it. It is like an analogy of one of my teachers: sometimes you are smacking a rock to break it, and you smack it with your hammer, and nothing seems to happen. And you smack it again, and nothing happens. And Then you smack it the third time, and it breaks open. Except I've been smacking some of these rocks for years.

I might have gotten there on my own. Years from now. But thanks to the awesome teachers I've found, it's happening so quickly. That's one of the reasons I'm currently thinking about doing that kind of thing for others. It's such a wonderful gift to be able to give, and it's so useful. There are things that I was doing that were really ineffective. It was super useful to be given more effective tools and methods of approach.

Ok, that is definitely it. I've got to post this baby somehow. Three pieces might not be small enough.

love to you all, you sitting in your dark rooms, connected to this glowing electric portal linking us together.

Friday, March 27, 2015

A good day and an update, part 3

OK, next. Final part. Yeash, this was going to be a quick post but it looks like I'm not capable of that at the moment. I guess there's a lot to talk about. Do I actually want to talk about it? Yes, yes I really do. I want to talk about the growth that's been happening. I want to remember.

I don't want to have to deal with the headache of scheduling posts, and perhaps posting to multiple websites. (Which blog do I use? My old one that people are most familiar with and some people have subscriptions to? My newer one that only has a few people who've looked at it? Or the newest one, yet another change of name, which I haven't even created yet, but I think is a good name for what I want to do with it. Which would require actually creating the entire blog. Well, that one's not happening tonight.)

Anyhow, lets get this written. My girlfriend was going to call me... gee, I thought two hours ago. So that could happen at any moment.  And after that, I'm definitely just going right to bed.

So, my personal growth.

you should know by now, if you know me at all, that personal growth is perhaps the most important value in my life. I want to save the world, but that's not my choice to make. I can add my energy to that task, but the world is a collective creation. But by growing, I increase my contribution. And I get more satisfaction from life personally. And if I'm not growing, I feel weird and start to wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life. It seems like a waste, not to grow.

So recently...
It's hard to describe. Which is part of the reason I'm writing this. I want to get some kind of grasp of it, and thinking about it, putting my attention on it while I put it into words, helps me become more aware of my experience.

There is a kind of clarity to my life that is developing. Clouds clearing. Muddy waters settling to crystal clarity.

My passions. My passion. What I care for. I was very abstruse to me in the past. Weird but true. True for many people. It is getting clearer. Much clearer.

In fact, my emotions and feeling in general. In the past, often unknown to me. Or hard to dig up, or disconnected feeling. Now, clearer.

Though in a way, not clearer. How to convey this well... I feel aware of what I'm feeling, what I want. But not through my left brain, verbal brain. I don't immediately have words for the feelings. I just have the feelings. Putting words to them takes time. But thinking in feelings and images and gestalts works much faster. Perhaps one of the reasons I don't write as much is my fingers could never keep up with my thoughts. In fact, even talking to myself can't quite keep up with my thoughts sometimes. I just have to make a grunting sound signifying the feeling and/or image I mean and then move on, or just think it and say, "yeah, that."

It's not constantly like that. And it doesn't always or even most of the time work to figure things out. Or... maybe it does.

In any case, moving on, because there's more.

I haven't always been very visual. And much of what I've done in my spiritual training (and it is training. serious workouts. Like weight lifting. Real spiritual growth happens that way. It get's avoided because people don't understand that and because it's easy to fake it because it's much harder to measure than, say, the size of your biceps or how much money you make.) Anyways, much of it involves visualization as an element. that has gotten significantly clearer for me.

God, how much of this should I tell. I used to tell all, but since then I've gained an appreciation for the power maintained by keeping spiritual experiences private. Oh well, I'll just have to go by min internal compass about what to include and what not. In any case, there has been a quantum shift in my ability to visualize. Not enormous, but noticeable, slightly different in quality, and sudden, which is what made it noticeable.

This same growth I've noticed in various areas of spiritual skills. I think I just realized what it is: I've just finally be really seriously doing the spiritual work.

Because: I've just really seriously been doing ALL my work. I have been getting more disciplined. More courageous (a little) and more in touch with what I care about. The growth in character that I prayed for since I was I don't know how young is finally happening. I had been banging my head against a concrete wall for years, and years, making what seemed like no progress. But finally, progress. Progress is happening. It did not happen on my own. The myth of the self made man is a damaging lie. Everybody needs a little help. A teacher, a mentor, an inspiration.

I am making progress, and it is giving me self confidence. Before, I was trying to be someone who was disciplined, but I wasn't able to maintain it. I didn't know if it was even possible for me to be that man I hoped to be. I didn't know if I could change. But I see now, that I can. I have that faith. I have that personal experience.

I feel thoroughly on track. On track to fulfilling all my dreams. I'm not there yet. But I am definitely moving towards being there.

There's more. But lest you eat too much writing at once and get a stomach-headache, and to boost my pageviews and optimize my prime divisor marketing sasquatch, I shall once again cut and post the rest at a later scheduled time.

good night, for now.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A good day and an update, part 2

Second part of the day: the sun was setting, I was back in my Brooklyn apartment, and I looked out the window, and saw a cat, padding along the chain link fence that separates all the little backyards behind the brownstones. I was about to turn away, when I saw a second cat, jump up after him. I was curious. Would they fight like the cats normally did, protecting their own territory? But no, they seemed to be heading the same way.

They jumped off the fence onto a shed roof that was perfectly in the setting rays of the sun, and started chilling... But then, another cat came along. And another. And another. Five cats, chilling in various areas of sunset. It was a particularly beautiful sunset, and a warmer day than we were used to. I watched them move around, interact, for a while. One of them went over to a covered grill to chill. One left shortly after arriving. Another kept moving up to a higher bit of fence, keeping a lookout.

There was a section of the shed roof that made a loud noise when they walked on it, so they walked across it awkwardly, trying to be quiet, or giving up and just being loud when that failed. Another cat, a bright orange one, came along, walking across my field of vision from one side to the other, across the hangout posse, and all the other cats heads swiveled to follow it, just like me, as it struggled to stay on the fence. It seemed to have really poor balance for a cat, and perhaps that's why we were all five transfixed on it as it navigated perilously through barbed wire, razor wire, wide wooden fences, narrow steel fences, and into yards when it could.

I eventually went off to do some work for school, and when I came back, the sun had mostly set, and there were just two cats left, a big one squatting on the very corner of the shed roof, and a really small one, on the fence, as close to the shed and the squatting cat as it could get without being on the shed roof itself. Staring. Staring at the squatting cat. Who periodically shifted its front feet. What was going on? Choose your own story. I had a million and none. In any case, it was delightful.