Sunday, March 29, 2015

a good day and an update, part 4

Today is a good day. I can see far enough that I see where I've come from, I see the progress I've made, how I've changed. And I see enough of the path ahead to know, yes, I can do this.

It's still tricky. Frankly, scary, at times. And often quite unpleasant. Things are not all flowers and bunny kisses. I've just come out of some pretty dark stuff that I've been fighting through. And there's plenty more up ahead. No easy sailing yet.

But hope. Finally. Trust. Belief. The changes that need to happen to be the person who creates the life I want to create; I can make those changes.

Though to say "Make those changes" is kind of horrible to say, since the process is so opposite to everything that phrase connotes. It sounds like your just muscling through, imposing your will, shoving things around. Where it's utterly different. It's...courageous awareness. It's patience, it's a soft touch and letting go and trusting. Its a deep part of me that moves like a whale beneath the waves, barely visible as a slightly darker smudge, but massive, more me that the part of me I normally think of as who I am. And how it moves is like a whole different nervous system. Like I suddenly discovered I had a tail and had to figure out how to get it to move, and its still a little alien to me. it does what I want, usually, but if I start worrying about how the hello I'm maneging to do it I start messing it up.

I think that will do for specifics. This covers a pretty wide time period. I could wait months before posting again. Heck, It's been months since I've posted last time. Even to my most recent blog.

But to sum up, there's just been a lot of transformation. Big stuff. Stuff I've been waiting to see progress on for years. Stuff that has shown so little progress, despite me throwing myself against it over and over, that I have worried whether it was even possible for me to overcome it. It is like an analogy of one of my teachers: sometimes you are smacking a rock to break it, and you smack it with your hammer, and nothing seems to happen. And you smack it again, and nothing happens. And Then you smack it the third time, and it breaks open. Except I've been smacking some of these rocks for years.

I might have gotten there on my own. Years from now. But thanks to the awesome teachers I've found, it's happening so quickly. That's one of the reasons I'm currently thinking about doing that kind of thing for others. It's such a wonderful gift to be able to give, and it's so useful. There are things that I was doing that were really ineffective. It was super useful to be given more effective tools and methods of approach.

Ok, that is definitely it. I've got to post this baby somehow. Three pieces might not be small enough.

love to you all, you sitting in your dark rooms, connected to this glowing electric portal linking us together.

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