Day written: March 22 2015
I was told/suggested to write when I felt frustrated. And I think that applies to other difficult emotions. So; writing.
This feeling is fear. I am scared. I am cold. I should put on a sweatshirt. [pause for sweatshirt] ok I'm not so cold now but you know what? I still feel nervous and it makes me want to not write but get on with the stuff I need to do today. which is probably ok. I not only feel scared about not doing a good job on my various projects, but I also would rather be doing the things I'm not doing by writing.
I like to have a nice morning routine where I do some yoga and have a good long meditation and prayer. But if i start that too late it gets shortened because I get hungry and I don't want to have lunch too close to breakfast. So I'm going to do that now, I guess. It's a bit late because I got distracted by cleaning. Cleaning is wonderful. I love to clean my room when I've been feeling ineffective. It's something I can do that has a tangible, enjoyable result, right away. I'm better off, obviously, for doing it, and the only one who cares is me, so I'm not worried about being judged for not doing a good enough job. I'm happy for whatever cleaning can come my way.
I am really curious about what's going to happen to me job wise when I graduate. I've been itching to start working. I suppose because I feel like I can do it now. I'm armed with the knowledge that there are jobs I will like, and that I am totally capable of doing a good job and being responsible. So, I'm not afraid of giving myself a bad name, being a lazy worker, and I'm not afraid of quitting and looking elsewhere, if the job sucks. And I'm not afraid of committing for, say, three or four months, to see how it is. So it's an exciting thing, not a bad thing, now.
Also, it's exciting because that is one big thing which I am super hard on myself for, feeling kind of low because I'm not supporting myself. Makes me feel... childish I guess. Once I go and get a job and start making money, I can imagine myself being proud as punch about it, and even more important, I can imagine myself doing an almost identical thing to when I go my first girlfriend, which was realize, 'oh, wow, this isn't such a big deal after all. It doesn't fix my life, it's not this huge epic life changing event, it's just a thing. I can take it or leave it. I am fundamentally the same person and life experience with or without it.' Which was a huge realization and no matter how I tried to convince myself of it before having a relationship, there was always this nagging doubt that wouldn't let it go. but it let it go almost immediately upon finally getting it.
And, surprisingly, in a way it actually was everything I had wanted it to be but assumed it couldn't be. It did fulfill me deeply in some ways, it did make life better. I was less lonely. I guess that sounds like a contradiction but it was actually two sides of the same coin. The fulfilment it gave me was the fulfilment of, 'ah, that desire is fulfilled, now I can let it go.' And the way it made my life better was, 'ah, this really does make my life better, but experiencing that better, I see it is still somewhat surface level, and I realize my life with be fine even if I don't have it. And I realize that my fundamental satisfaction with life doesn't, can't come from that external. Probably can't come from any external.
With work, it's not a matter of being less alone, or being more joyful in life. It's really a matter of feeling competent. My self confidence. And feeling worthwhile like I'm creating value rather than consuming value. And perhaps most important, that I have overcome my great challenge of discipline and being a hard worker at my right work. I am curious how holding down a job will feel, but I suspect and hope it will be similar in its effect to finally getting a girlfriend. Which was revelatory and wrapped up a whole bunch of issues I'd been struggling with fruitlessly for a while. And then it was amazingly quickly that I found a woman who I worked really well with.
ooookkkkkk, that was definitely longer than I intended. but not too too long.
goodbye, good night. good morning.