OK, next. Final part. Yeash, this was going to be a quick post but it looks like I'm not capable of that at the moment. I guess there's a lot to talk about. Do I actually want to talk about it? Yes, yes I really do. I want to talk about the growth that's been happening. I want to remember.
I don't want to have to deal with the headache of scheduling posts, and perhaps posting to multiple websites. (Which blog do I use? My old one that people are most familiar with and some people have subscriptions to? My newer one that only has a few people who've looked at it? Or the newest one, yet another change of name, which I haven't even created yet, but I think is a good name for what I want to do with it. Which would require actually creating the entire blog. Well, that one's not happening tonight.)
Anyhow, lets get this written. My girlfriend was going to call me... gee, I thought two hours ago. So that could happen at any moment. And after that, I'm definitely just going right to bed.
So, my personal growth.
you should know by now, if you know me at all, that personal growth is perhaps the most important value in my life. I want to save the world, but that's not my choice to make. I can add my energy to that task, but the world is a collective creation. But by growing, I increase my contribution. And I get more satisfaction from life personally. And if I'm not growing, I feel weird and start to wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life. It seems like a waste, not to grow.
It's hard to describe. Which is part of the reason I'm writing this. I want to get some kind of grasp of it, and thinking about it, putting my attention on it while I put it into words, helps me become more aware of my experience.
There is a kind of clarity to my life that is developing. Clouds clearing. Muddy waters settling to crystal clarity.
My passions. My passion. What I care for. I was very abstruse to me in the past. Weird but true. True for many people. It is getting clearer. Much clearer.
In fact, my emotions and feeling in general. In the past, often unknown to me. Or hard to dig up, or disconnected feeling. Now, clearer.
Though in a way, not clearer. How to convey this well... I feel aware of what I'm feeling, what I want. But not through my left brain, verbal brain. I don't immediately have words for the feelings. I just have the feelings. Putting words to them takes time. But thinking in feelings and images and gestalts works much faster. Perhaps one of the reasons I don't write as much is my fingers could never keep up with my thoughts. In fact, even talking to myself can't quite keep up with my thoughts sometimes. I just have to make a grunting sound signifying the feeling and/or image I mean and then move on, or just think it and say, "yeah, that."
It's not constantly like that. And it doesn't always or even most of the time work to figure things out. Or... maybe it does.
In any case, moving on, because there's more.
I haven't always been very visual. And much of what I've done in my spiritual training (and it is training. serious workouts. Like weight lifting. Real spiritual growth happens that way. It get's avoided because people don't understand that and because it's easy to fake it because it's much harder to measure than, say, the size of your biceps or how much money you make.) Anyways, much of it involves visualization as an element. that has gotten significantly clearer for me.
God, how much of this should I tell. I used to tell all, but since then I've gained an appreciation for the power maintained by keeping spiritual experiences private. Oh well, I'll just have to go by min internal compass about what to include and what not. In any case, there has been a quantum shift in my ability to visualize. Not enormous, but noticeable, slightly different in quality, and sudden, which is what made it noticeable.
This same growth I've noticed in various areas of spiritual skills. I think I just realized what it is: I've just finally be really seriously doing the spiritual work.
Because: I've just really seriously been doing ALL my work. I have been getting more disciplined. More courageous (a little) and more in touch with what I care about. The growth in character that I prayed for since I was I don't know how young is finally happening. I had been banging my head against a concrete wall for years, and years, making what seemed like no progress. But finally, progress. Progress is happening. It did not happen on my own. The myth of the self made man is a damaging lie. Everybody needs a little help. A teacher, a mentor, an inspiration.
I am making progress, and it is giving me self confidence. Before, I was trying to be someone who was disciplined, but I wasn't able to maintain it. I didn't know if it was even possible for me to be that man I hoped to be. I didn't know if I could change. But I see now, that I can. I have that faith. I have that personal experience.
I feel thoroughly on track. On track to fulfilling all my dreams. I'm not there yet. But I am definitely moving towards being there.
There's more. But lest you eat too much writing at once and get a stomach-headache, and to boost my pageviews and optimize my prime divisor marketing sasquatch, I shall once again cut and post the rest at a later scheduled time.
good night, for now.