Rename Thyself

I really like coming up with names for things. And my old blog name no longer seems to fit me. I am no longer alone, literally or in spirit, and the idea behind the name, "It's easy being alone," of my constant, unshakable feeling of being the only one here, has melted into a comfortable uncertainty.

I don't know that I'm alone. I can never be sure there is someone else out there, but in my heart is the warmth I'd been looking for, trying to find another, and I now see no reason to think it's more likely that I'm alone than that there are other people out there. In any case, not only is it not the central issue of my life anymore, but it's a non-issue, not even something I think about any more.

But there are still things to learn, and I'm learning them every day. And there is still beauty to share. And crude jokes to be made, and worlds to explore.

This post marks the beginning of something new.
And perhaps, the reinvigoration of my blogging. It's my intention. We'll see how it carries through.

Anyways, my love to all of you who I know, and to those I don't know, in a general kind of way. I am fond of you humans, even with the messes some of you make. There is something great at the center of you. A huge potential, a beautiful power and kindness. Usually you don't see it in yourself. And so you don't act on it. Understandable. Yet, it's there, none the less.

Another friend killed herself a few days ago. I hadn't seen her in a month and a half. She was, is, a dear friend to many and a wonderful, courageous, funny person.

I'm too tired right now to try to make sense of it, for myself or anyone else. I'm just trying not to shut down and go into shock or spiral into depression. I wasn't as close to her as I was to Dan (I don't think I was as close to anybody as I was to Dan) so I am spared the worst of it. And perhaps having gone through something like it before I am better able to deal with it the second time. Grief is a physical shock to the system, and must be dealt with as respectfully as a serious physical injury.

It's easier to pretend you're not hurt, wounded, that a piece of you hasn't just been ripped out, because there is no physical evidence saying it is so. But if you ignore it, if you don't deal with all the emotions that bubble up from it, you will be bleeding out emotionally,  the wound will be getting infected, and things won't be healing right. Just as surely as if you just got a chunk of you ripped out and tried to go about your life as if nothing had happened.

My my, this has become moribund. Not what I intended for my first post, but what the hey, it's what's on right now, and that's what this has always been about.